... or at least the six or seven blocks we had time to see while we were there.
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For those not in the know, last weekend we flew out to Vegas for my little brother's wedding.
Adam's six years younger than me, and while we're not chronologically or geographically very close, we've always had a special bond. He and his girlfriend Kelsey had been dating for six years, and decided that it was time to make things official.
So in larger than life fashion, they opted for Sin City as a backdrop to their special night.
Having never been there ourselves, and knowing we wouldn't miss Adam's special day for anything, we packed the family up (sans kids - we chose to have them spend the weekend with their dad in lieu of learning a BUNCH of life lessons in a short amount of time) and we headed out West.
Between Disney, traveling for work, and now going to Adam's wedding, I've been in more airplanes this summer than I have in the last five years combined. I've learned that no matter what the stewardess offers, I'm always going to want ginger ale - and that I really love Delta because their bigger planes offer free movies in the back of each seat.
Even though most of my friends had been to Vegas already - and many told me what to expect, and what to look out for - it's really the type of place you have to see to believe.
I swear, you can hear slot machines from the moment your plane touches down to the moment it takes off again. Also, every single store sells alcohol. You can argue with me, but I'm sure of it.
Once we got there, we met up with my stepdad's sister Dena. Family titles get a bit tricky with step family members. I'd call her and her partner Cheri my aunts - Cheri refers to me as her "domestic step nephew in law".
We made our way to the hotel, met up with my aunt, uncle, and cousin - and set off for dinner.
Now, as I'm not usually a gambler - the slot machines didn't really hold that much appeal. I am however, an eater - and I'd done my homework.
A few months ago, I had seen a buzzfeed video about the best buffets in Las Vegas and one stood out above the rest; The Wicked Spoon.
As this was before Adam and Kelsey had announced their wedding location, I considered going there a pipe dream. But once we found out where the event was to be held, I could think about very little else.
...and let me tell you, this place did not disappoint.
In addition to being the biggest buffet I've ever eaten at, they had so many unique and nontraditional things offered. There was a phó station, tons of Asian food, a mound of crab legs pre-cracked, and the biggest dessert bar I've ever seen in my life - complete with an assortment of gelato flavors.
I felt like I had met a celebrity.
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After dinner, we made our way back to the hotel and spent time visiting and gambling a little. I had twenty dollars in my wallet from Dr. Young, a coworker - who asked me to "Put it all on Red 2!" - so after nervously watching other people play for a short while, I put his money down and quickly watched it disappear.
(I couldn't find a table with a Red 2, so Black 2 it was.)
We met up with Kelsey's mom and little brother (she and Adam hadn't flown in just yet), and had a very quick meet and greet with multiple members of her family.
While Vegas is definitely great for many things, I can't recommend the people-watching highly enough. For those interested in the human species, it's an absolutely remarkable cross section of all walks of life - with nudity, alcohol, and the incessant ringing of slot machines sprinkled on top.
Seriously, this weekend I saw some truly fascinating people - the least of which being the two we lovingly named "The whore from the elevator" and "The ghost of the sixth floor".
...I'll get to them in a minute.
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Saturday was a bit unevenly paced. We started off by going to Caesar's Palace for the "Living Statue" show - which Shelly and I misunderstood to think that it would be people spray painted like statues accepting dollar bills for pop and lock moves. It ended up being an actual "Living Statue" show, in that three statues came to life animatronically (Is that a word? My computer doesn't think so) and put on a short show reminiscent of Game of Thrones.
Hey, who let Beric Dondarrian in here??
While we were at Caesar's Palace, we stopped to buy those tall frozen drinks that you always see people carrying in Vegas photos (because we were tourists, and it's polite to mark yourselves as such). Then in true tourist form, we went back to the room for Shelly to take a nap, because the tall frozen drinks that you always see people carrying in Vegas photos actually have quite a LOT of alcohol in them.
That afternoon, it was time to get up and get polished for the wedding. Thankfully, Kelsey is fashion savvy enough that I didn't have to pick out an outfit on my own. When I got asked to be Adam's best man, it came with a full outfit including a pink bow tie, teal suspenders, and flamingo socks.
We got dressed, headed down to meet the wedding party, and waited for the festivities to begin.
Did you know you're not supposed to wear a belt with suspenders? I sure didn't.
The wedding went off without a hitch. Adam and Kelsey wrote their own vows, the officiant had a personalized message for their service, and everyone in the audience got along (which due to a few wild cards attending, was a real blessing).
After the wedding, we were whisked off to the Reception room (a small hotel suite with roughly 50 or so people crammed in) for toasts, cake, and then a few of us guys headed down to meet the girl bringing catered Chipotle.
"How much Chipotle did you order?"
"All of the Chipotle."
As mentioned before, on the way down to meet the sweet girl from Chipotle, we happened on a very... special sort of girl. Imagine if you took a Disney Princess, soaked her in Boone's Farm, shook her off, and then dried her off with a combination of hair dryers and cigarette smoke.
The four of us guys tasked with bringing the food back up rounded the corner to the elevator bank, and suddenly heard a very loud "Wow. That's a very... unique suit!"
Intially, as Adam had changed into his very flashy post-wedding attire, this didn't come as much of a surprise.
It wasn't until the point where she asked him why he was wearing such a suit that things got interesting.
Now, I've thought and thought about how to recount this story to you, and honestly - every way I come up with just doesn't do the experience justice.
So, let me just type out the conversation that went down:
Elevator Girl: Wow. That's a very... unique suit!"
Adam: Thanks
(the group gets to the elevator where Kelsey's grandmother is also waiting on a ride down).
Elevator Girl: What's the suit for? Is it your birthday?
Kelsey's uncle (a groomsman): He just got married.
(girl's face twists)
Elevator Girl: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR LIFE AWAY!
(nervous laughter)
Elevator Girl:(bending down to her purse in a very loose fitting tank top) Sorry, my tits keep falling out.
Kelsey's uncle's step son: (intently/nervously smiling) It's ok.
Elevator Girl: Thanks, do you have a cigarette?
Step son: Sure, here you go.
(the entire group gets on the elevator)
Elevator Girl: Do you have a light?
Step son: Not on me, sorry.
Elevator Girl: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
(silence - Kelsey's grandmother's floor dings, and she gets off)
Elevator Girl: Bet she's goin' to get some DICK!!
Kelsey's uncle: (points to step son) That's his grandmother.
Elevator Girl: Sorry! (laughs maniacally)
(cue: awkward silence for three more floors)
- Scene -
Now, while I'm sure experiences like this are quite commonplace in Las Vegas, they do tend to stand out to those of us from small town Oklahoma. So, for the rest of the night, she was affectionately referred to as "The whore from the elevator".
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After champagne, cake, and Chipotle, Shelly and I went back to the room to change so we could join the group to go on the High Roller - a ferris wheel of sorts, where the cars had been replaced with huge orbs capable of holding 40 people.
On the way back to catch up with the group, we ran into "The ghost of the 6th floor" - though like a more adult version of Scooby Doo, this ended up just being a very inebriated shirtless guy hiding behind a door near the elevators, growling as he swung said door open and shut.
Like, legit growling. Loud legit growling.
Thankfully, we were able to get on an elevator just as his friends were rounding the corner in search of him.
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The High Roller was a blast (for everyone but Shelly and my aunt Lisa who were both afraid of heights), though by the end, even they seemed like they were having fun.
(Shelly and Lisa weren't as excited at the beginning of the ride as my cousin Emily.)
Then, as the wedding party went off to explore the strip in their wedding gear, Shelly, my cousin Emily, and a good friend of ours named Mark went off to Caesar's Palace for some tall, albeit strong drinks.
...and food court ramen. Because that's a thing in Vegas.
Also, as a coincidental side note - we ran into a guy with Adam's exact same suit on while there. I'd say "What are the odds?" - but I'm guessing that's a tough sentence to answer in Vegas.
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All in all, the trip was an absolute blast - and there are multiple things that I'm leaving out here for sake of time and space. In the end, we woke up Sunday morning a little worse for the wear and buckled in for a long day of flights and layovers in order to get home.
We explored a small section of Vegas, my brother married his best friend, and I got to see family that I dearly miss when they're not around.
While my wallet wasn't as happy as I was about the trip, but my heart was full and I came home with high hopes for the new marriage we had just watched take place.
.... AND I got to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 on the return flight. For free.
Seriously Delta, you're ok in my book.
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Until next time:
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